Monday, June 30, 2008

T-minus three hours until my mom arrives.

Current mood: OPTIMISTIC

I love my mom but the last few times we have seen each other it has been kind of...tense. I can't quite put my finger on why but I think it has something to do with me not knowing how to be a grown up around my parents. Like they are stuck in the role of parent while I am stuck in the role of child and we're all just sitting around feeling awkward not knowing what to do about it. Thank God we have Liam to look at; otherwise, what would we do?

My sister does not have this problem. She and my parents kind of get each other.

Heh.

I guess the good thing about that is it gives me hope. Thanks to her I know it's possible to forge ahead without our roles and find a way to build a really great relationship as adults. If she can do it, I can do it! After all, I am the smart one (OK, OK, I used to be the smart one. Damn.)

I want to treat this visit as a test. A perfect opportunity to put everything I've been reading and learning about into play. Will what I put out really come back to me like the law of attraction says it will? Will I be able to consistently put out good things (like honesty, compassion, and respect) or will I fall helplessly back into the roles I've perfected? Will I be able to be the conscious space that allows my mom to be who she is without judging her or putting up defenses. Is it really possible to be that Zen?

Perhaps I should have started smaller. Like with the checker at Home Depot last night? When he started blabbing on about some customer who pissed him off and ruined his whole day, I could have gone to my happy place and been non-judgmental but instead I clenched my jaw and thought, "Dude, when I said, 'Fine, how are you?' I was just being polite. I don't care how you are. Just ring up my damn plants and shut up already!" I could have been the conscious space for him. That would have probably been a better place to start than with my mom.

But, alas, I am out of time for practice. She is on her way and I am determined to make this a wonderful visit.

If this test is successful, there's no telling what else I'll want to try. Two weeks to flat, sexy abs? Bring it on. 365 days to a more organized life? Do it. I'll either be posting one testimonial after another or will have to change the name of my blog to Myth Busters.

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