Sunday, July 13, 2008

Everything's going swimmingly.

Since I'm sure you've all been very concerned about my lost camera and ensuing mental illness, I wanted to let you know you can stop worrying: I found it.

I FOUND MY CAMERA!

It was pretty touch-and-go there for a while. I knew I had to move on and live my life but I could NOT stop obsessing. Where was it? How did I lose it? Am I crazy? Did I throw it away? Am I sure I checked all the pockets in my purse? Could I have taken it somewhere I don't remember going? I even called one of the families I babysit for to check if I had absentmindedly dropped it into their diaper bag.

For a full day and night, everything I did was just a pathetic attempt to look like I wasn't obsessing over my camera.

Finally, yesterday evening, I made a decision. I knew I would never find my camera looking in the same places over and over again (I believe doing the same thing but expecting different results is called insanity) and the increasing desperation and madness were only making things worse. I had to let go.

I told Bill, "I'm not looking for my camera anymore. I am letting go so the universe can find it for me."

"Oh, um, OK." (Cue eye rolling...now!)

I don't care what anyone says, the law of attraction totally works. Like attracts like. Feeling desperate and out of my mind was never going to lead me to my camera; it was only going to bring more of the same. Making a conscious decision to let go made me feel content again. After spending nearly two days on the dark side, it was nice be able to breathe again.

This morning, I was walking from the kitchen to the living room to drink my coffee and watch cartoons with Liam when I suddenly stopped, turned, looked down and saw my camera. It was wedged between the side table and the wall in a two inch gap that is typically reserved for dust bunnies and dog hair. It must have been on the ledge between the kitchen and the living room and been knocked off when I tossed the mail into the to-do pile or the cat jumped up to stretch and lick his paws. (Yes, Liam could have put it there but I really doubt it. He brought it up several times over the last couple days but I think it's just because he was feeding off my stress and incessant, "Have you seen my camera?!" Poor kid.)

I never would have looked there but I wasn't looking when I found it. The universe found it for me, just like I said it would.

I pressed against the wall and squeezed my arm just far enough into the crack to grab my camera by the wrist strap and pull it up to safety. It was in perfect condition - not cracked or broken or even all that dusty. "Woo HOO!" I danced around the kitchen, dangling it in front of Bill's face as he flipped the French toast.

He couldn't believe I found it in that little crack, especially since I was NOT looking for it. "What do you mean you just stopped and turned and there it was?"

"I mean the universe told me to look there."

"Yeah, but, how? How did the universe tell you that?"

"I guess I was just pulled to the spot."

Blank stare.

Suddenly I remembered a way I could explain it to him that wouldn't make sense to anyone else. "The fish led me to it!"

(This is why we're so good at games like Catchphrase and Cranium. We've developed our own married people language that no one else could possibly understand.)

I could see by the wheel-turning look on his face that he got it. The fish I am referring to is the one that led Bill to the condo keys that fell out of his pocket while we were snorkeling in Hawaii. Four of us searched desperately for hours and finally gave up when Bill swears a fish caught his attention and led him straight to the rocks that the keys had sunk between. He took a deep breath, dove down about 15 feet and came up with the keys in his hand. I was snorkeling next to him at the time and was amazed at how effortless it all looked. He didn't dive down and desperately look around; he literally swam straight to them.

"Everyone thought I was crazy but I swear that fish told me where to look." I thought he was crazy for sure. A fish told you where to look? Wow.

Now I get it. The fish is the same as the universe or God or our own higher consciousness or whatever we want to call it. The sooner I am able to get my Ego (the annoying voice in my head making me obsess and beat myself up and blame my child) to shut up and get out of my way, the sooner I can let the fish lead me to everything I want in life. I just have to decide, let go and follow that fish!

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