Sunday, November 9, 2008

Roll with it.

Hey Roller Queen, I know you're like the Queen or whatever but would it kill you to lighten up a little? I'm not trying to get up in your space or put a kink in your backwards booty shaking skate-style. I'm just trying to look coordinated, keep my ass off the floor, and have a good time. OK?

I mean, why you gotta look so surly all the time? Is it just too hard to smile with that whistle clenched between your teeth? If it's just for me (as I suspect it is), it is totally unnecessary. I haven't even fallen once tonight, OK? Why don't we make a deal - I will give you all the ass shaking, red rag waving space you need if you promise to stop toot, toot, toooot!-ing every time you see me. OK? And no more crossing the floor to sneak up on me. That's just rude.

I mean, why can't you just be cool like the guy in the tight black jeans and flat ironed hair who is rocking out with full body shake downs and heavy metal air guitar? I've skated close to him once or twice (we all have - those moves require a lot of space!) and yet, he hasn't blown an angry whistle at me once. In fact, when his hair isn't in his face, he smiles at me when I skate by.

Or Carl. Why can't you be like Carl? Did you see that he skated with me tonight? Yeah, I bet you did. I didn't hear you whistling then. We skated together for like three songs and not once did I hear that whistle. And you wonder why I take it personally.

For a while there I thought you were whistling at everyone in our group. We talked about it over fountain Cokes and the consensus was, That Roller Queen is one mean mo fo! But, then, you go and smile at the blond girl in my group and give her a thumbs up. What the hell? I mean, where's my smile? My thumbs up? Have I not been begging for it all night long?

I want to like you, Roller Queen, I really do. But, a whistle? Even you have to admit that's a little hostile. Not to mention redundant. I mean, you have ROLLER QUEEN printed on the back of your shirt. What more do you really need? Unclench your teeth and put away the whistle. You don't need it. None of us do.


timshel said...

you are amazing. This actually made me choke up a little bit of oatmeal into my nose. :)

Halie said...

She's just jealous...