Thursday, April 9, 2009

Good on paper.

There are some things in life that seem like a good idea until you try them and realize that no! they are actually not good. At all. A few I have discovered this week:
  1. Big houses with lots of land. Seems like an obvious one, right? I mean, who wouldn't want that? Uh, me for starters. Being in this big old house outside the city with no one to protect me except my three year old is, well, it's terrifying! Every little noise sends shivers down my spine and I can't walk past a window at night without thinking there's probably a pervert lurking in the bushes spying on us. I never thought I'd say it but I kind of miss the boom boom Cadillacs that drive past my house at all hours on their way to and from the projects. All that noise somehow makes me Even though, hello!, I am probably a lot more likely to run into a bad scene in my somewhat sketchy neighborhood than out here in the boondocks. But I can't help but thinking of the first Scream movie when Drew Barrymore gets that phone call and the guy is like the nearest neighbor is 10 minutes away... Eek! Even though there are neighbors on all sides of me and I have stayed in this house a hundred times without feeling the slightest big uneasy, I can't help but miss the ghetto birds who circle my neighborhood, making sure no crazy mask wearing weirdos will hang me from a tree.

  2. Good bathroom lighting. I had no idea how many gray hairs I had! Not to mention random patches of facial hair, clogged pores and poorly applied makeup. I miss my bathroom lighting where I never have to know what the back of my head looks like and I can get ready in 5 minutes and leave the house thinking I look pretty darn good.

  3. Fancy wide screen computer monitors. If you have one of these, please note: my face is no where near as w i d e as it appears on your screen. I was just looking at concert pics of Britney Spears thinking, Oh no, she got fat again. Then I realized it was the computer monitor morphing her thighs into overstuffed sausages in fishnet casing. Phew! I hope to avoid seeing any photos of myself until I am safely behind my dinky laptop monitor at home.

  4. Travel potty seat. A tiny plastic seat that will keep your young child from falling butt first into a public toilet that folds up small enough to fit in your purse. Genius! Or it would be if it wasn't for one tiny but very critical design flaw: the darn thing won't stay unfolded! Picture a travel weary mom (kind of like the woman pictured above but with a thinner face) trying to lift her 33 pound child onto the toilet in a ridiculously cramped (and probably filthy) airplane bathroom while holding the travel seat flush with the airplane toilet seat with her knee (gross) so it won't fold back up and goose her child. As you can probably guess, the situation did not end well. I somehow managed to get Liam on the seat but in the process his sweet baby thigh got pinched between the two seats. Can you imagine how bad that must have hurt? While I'm not sure I would have screamed as loud or for as long as Liam did, I would have been pretty pissed if that happened to me.

Your turn. What have you discovered is no where near as good as it looks on paper? Save us the trouble of having to find out the hard way.


sunT said...

i do have to agree with number one. i grew up in the sticks and i mean THE STICKS. you can see every star at night and its gorgeous! we had an exchange student who was completely freaked out by walking around at night. ( s kids we would just walk down the road at night for no reason) i used to think she was a little crazy. that is until now after living in the city i am terrified just to walk out on the carport! its just very very dark and very very quite!!

Delaney Mae said...

Maybe this isn't one of those "good on paper" things, but Spaghetti-O's are one of those things that sometimes you think, I want Spaghetti-O's! And I'm here to tell you. No. You. Don't.

Annie said...

Hmm, good on paper..for me, that would be contributing to my 401k. These days, I'd have to say stashing it all under the mattress is looking a lot better!