Wednesday, July 8, 2009

For all you pregnant ladies out there.

Have I got a show for you!

No, it's not a peek inside the womb at the little miracle you've got cooking or a how-to guide for motherhood. It's nothing to do with what to expect or doctors who know too much or multiple births. It's WAY better than all that.

It's a show on Discovery Health called I Didn't Know I was Pregnant. Yes, that's right - didn't know. As in, I didn't know I was pregnant until a full grown baby came out of me. Like, Whew! I must have eaten something bad, I feel AWFUL. I mean, my back is KILLING ME! Wait. What's that noise? Is someone crying? Is that a freaking baby on the floor?


I think all pregnant women should watch this show because it is the only thing out there that will allow you to enjoy your pregnancy without being worried all the time. I mean, if these women can continue to play volleyball and and sing in rock and roll bands and drink alcohol and whatnot, surely you can have a latte once in a while. If a woman can drop an 8 pound baby out of her vagina onto the filthy cement floor of a campground bathroom (yes head first) only to discover that it's perfectly healthy and fine, you can probably arrive at the hospital without a birth plan.

I mean, if ever there was a show to make you feel like a rock star mom, this is it. No matter what the books and doctors and strangers on the street tell you you're doing wrong, at least you know you're pregnant. Right? That's like light years ahead of these poor mamas.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say this is a good show. It's terrible. But, there's something fascinating about it that makes it hard to turn away.

And, kind of like when you watch a show in health class about lice and then everyone starts scratching their heads and looking around all paranoid like Oh crap! I hope no once thinks I have lice!, I am pretty sure this show will leave you convinced that you're pregnant. Totally flat stomach? Haven't had sex in nine months? I don't think it matters. If it could happen to them, it could happen to anyone.

And, no, this is not some weird way of announcing I'm pregnant. I think I am, sure, but that's just the show talking. When I am pregnant you better believe I will know it. I mean, how else am I going to get daily massages for sciatica and twice weekly chocolate cupcakes for cravings? I'm not going to get to lie around watching bad television and whining about how hard it is to grow a human if I don't even know I'm pregnant. Seriously - not knowing would be a total waste.


Multi-tasking Mama said...

So dropping my baby, out of my uterus, head first onto a concrete floor is a bad idea?

I guess I better develop a new birth plan.

LClaire said...

Seriously, I'm at a loss for words. Speaking as a five and a half month pregnant chic, this whole knocked up thing feels unmistakable. But who am I to judge, everyone's different I guess :)

Katie said...

Maggie, I saw this show about 3 months ago and am still haunted by it! Camping this week I had to use the potty and that is all I could think about, I mean seriously...didn't know you were pregnant???????? WTF!!!

rowena___. said...

if you don't know you're pregnant, you are seriously out of touch with your body. :D i can't imagine how you could NOT know but sure, if you don't suffer from the pregnancy hormonal hysteria, or the awe-inspiring hunger, or the crazy itchy tummy, or the LABOR, then hey, more power to you, super grrrrrrl. :D

caroline said...

the one show i have been able to watch on my television since i moved back. and i made robbie and larry sit and watch it with me. they were disgusted. i laughed my ass off.

Halie said...

That show is unbelievable, I stare at it wide-mouthed through the whole thing!!! And the pregnancy card (as John calls it)...oh yeah..I pull it at least 3 times a day (I really need a foot massage, my feet are killing me from all this extra weight :)....blank stare from my hubby...hey- I'm PREGNANT!)