Monday, July 20, 2009

A rant about the dog (because flipping her off isn't helping anymore).

Last night sucked. First the husband was snoring. Then the child was crying. Then the dog was pacing and whining and scratching. ALL NIGHT LONG.

I am sort of used to the fact that she's a lousy roommate but last night was bad for a whole new reason. At some point (I suppose after I woke him up for snoring) Bill mentioned that he thought the dog might have fleas. Fleas? Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? As if the copious amounts of dog hair isn't unhygienic enough. Fleas are like a whole new level of tell me again why we have pets?

The fact that she may not have had fleas didn't stop me from lying in bed the rest of the night imagining that we all had fleas; that fleas had taken over our house and there was nothing we could do about it except toss and turn and scratch and curse the dog.

When I "woke up" this morning (in quotes because, hello?, there was not a lot of sleeping going on), I banished the dog to the backyard and told her I'm sorry sister but you will just have to stay outside until I get more flea medication and do enough loads of laundry in hot water that this place stops feeling like a kennel and starts feeling like a home again!

Problem solved, right? Wrong. When Fleabag is outside, she barks. A lot. Like, non-stop the entire time she is in the yard. It used to be a playful bark like, I'm a herding dog! Watch me herd these shadows! But now it's a really sad and pathetic bark like, My damn arthritis is acting up again. Where the hell is my Aspercreme?

Usually I can only stand the barking for a few minutes before I have to let her in so she can follow me around and shed on things. But with the possibility of fleas? You've got to be kidding me. I had no choice but to leave her in the yard like a dog. I know it's not very neighborly of me to leave a barking dog outside to annoy everyone within a 6 house radius but there was nothing else I could do. She's an old dog who's not up for learning new tricks and, on top of that, she might have fleas!

So Liam and I left the dog in the yard and got the heck out of dodge. First we went for a long bike ride then we drove across town for flea medication and milk (thanks, Mrs. Costco!) then we stopped off at the YMCA so I could do a little yoga with my new favorite teacher.

Liam wanted to see my yoga class before we went home.

I suspect he will want to see it again very soon.

On the drive home I was feeling surprisingly good for not having slept. My body was balanced, my mind was clear...I had all but forgotten about the dog and her merciless ways. It looked like it was going to be a great day! But then we pulled up to the house and saw a familiar face waiting for us in the front yard. Yep, you guessed it: Fleabag.

So much for not learning new tricks! I'd say breaking out of a fenced in yard with no detectable escape routes is kind of a big deal for an old dog like her. I'm almost impressed (but mostly just irritated).

I had to walk her through the house to the back yard and I'm pretty sure she was smirking at me the whole time. Who isn't allowed in the house? Huh? Yeah, that's what I thought you said. She was even more smug after I totally caved and let her in the house after less than five minutes of barking. I can't stand a barking dog and she knows it.

But I wasn't about to let her and her (alleged) flea circus traipse all over my house dropping filth and nastiness wherever they pleased. So I came up with a semi-brilliant plan: While her flea medication does what it needs to do (whatever it is I'm guessing it takes several hours...), she can hang out in the laundry room! Yes she's whining and carrying on like a little ninny but I'm the only one who has to hear it. Sucks for me but at least I don't have to feel like an awful neighbor! And as soon as I finish this post, I will solve the problem once and for all. Hello iPod, goodbye needy dog!

You don't have to feel too bad for Old Fleabag.
She'll get a visitor every time the dryer buzzes.


LClaire said...

Fleas are the worst! My pup is due for a new round of meds and I've been procrastinating on running to the store - well you motivated me today sister! Hope things improve soon on your end!

bill said...

snoring? really?

caroline said...

oh lord, i totally hear you. buuut, i have some flea powder stuff that works well on carpet and furniture and stuff if you want it. i can bring it by anytime today...

No Mommy Brain said...

now that i've had a good night's sleep (on clean sheets no less!), i am fairly certain she never had fleas. we put frontline or whatever on her every month and had just bathed and brushed her without spotting anything iffy. i need to believe the whole flea business was just a figment of my imagination or i'll get all itchy again!