Monday, October 26, 2009

Lessons learned last night.

1. If you happen to live in a crazy state like Tennessee and are invited to a party on a Sunday, make sure to stop by the wine shop on Saturday when it is legal to buy alcohol. Otherwise you will be stuck trying to decide between A) bringing nothing, B) bringing beer (I like beer as much as the next guy but when the invitation is for an all-girls clothing exchange and wine tasting, showing up with an ice cold sixer seems a little, oh I don't know, redneck), or C) coming up with something else to bring that will make up for the fact that you are a terrible guest who is unable to follow simple instructions and plan ahead.

2. When a recipe instructs you to "fill cupcake tins half full", just do it. There is absolutely no reason to keep filling and filling until all the batter is gone. Not wanting to waste batter or get out another pan are not good reasons. Trust me. You will thank yourself later.

3. Trying to get overfilled cupcakes out of the tin is hard; trying to get them out while they're still hot? Impossible.

4. Baked goods - even ugly baked goods that took the jaws of life to be pried from a cupcake tin - can make up for just about anything. Why say, I'm late and kinda grumpy and I forgot to buy wine when you could just say, I brought cupcakes and they're still warm!

5. While drinking can be an excellent way to nip a bad mood in the bud, be warned: negativity can greatly increase the speed at which one drinks. If you happen to be the only one drinking a particular white wine and you suddenly notice the bottle is dangerously close to empty, SLOW THE F DOWN! Maybe drink some water or have a bite to eat. Whatever you do, don't make an ass out of yourself again. Once is funny, twice is a problem.

6. A little box of spices called "The 2 Alarm Chili Kit" makes a damn fine pot of chili.

7. Swapping funny stories and laughing with friends is a sure fire way to brighten your mood. Some might say it's even more effective than power drinking wine and eating chocolate.

8. Coming home to your husband in nothing but a trench coat and a pair of boots is only sexy in the movies. In reality, your husband is probably sound asleep and will not necessarily appreciate being woken up by his drunk wife standing over him saying, Hey, check it out. Wanna see what I got? I bet you do. Wake up. Babe? Waaake UP! Like my coat? Huh? You like this? Ba-dam! He'll probably be like, Why do you smell like smoke? which will be a total letdown after getting all pumped up on the ride home as you froze your bare ass off and sang Tom Petty's American Girl at the top of your lungs.


Amber said...

You brought cupcakes? How did I miss those? Cupcakes are just as good as wine in my book. I messed up with the wine, too... tried to go to the wine store on Saturday but who knew they'd be closed at 10:45 PM?

ae said...

Oh, I am a FIRM believer in the 2 Alarm Chili Kit.

I'll also take baked goods over wine ANY day.

Molly said...

Really- I am the only one to comment on the trench coat! What if you got pulled over! That is the scorpio in you that I love and admire!!!

No Mommy Brain said...

i know! i think it makes people uncomfortable to picture me driving around naked. their fingers are in their ears like "lalalala". ;)

Mama B said...

So funny!

I featured you in my Sunday Funnies POst: