Thursday, March 18, 2010

Hypothetical Q & A.

Hypothetical question: Is there anything worse than being sick when you're pregnant?

If you've ever been pregnant and say, gotten a cold, you are probably having a very strong knee-jerk reaction right now. You're raising your hand like a kid in school who totally knows the answer (and maybe has to pee just a little bit), and whisper-shouting under your breath, "No! Hell no! There's nothing worse than being sick when you're pregnant!" And it's true (gold star for you!). Being sick when you're pregnant totally sucks. Not only is it somehow harder to be sick when you're pregnant (especially when you're really big and your lungs are too squished to cough or sneeze properly), it also makes even the most level-headed of mamas start to wonder, "If I'm feeling this bad, how must my poor little baby be doing...?" Never a good place to linger.

The first couple days of being sick are terrible but at least you have optimism on your side. I mean, it's not like you're going to be sick forever, right? Maybe three, four days tops. You start making plans for the end of the week, knowing your trusty immune system will start taking care of business any minute now. Surely you're just one more night of mouth breathing away from feeling tip top and back in the game. But no. Days pass, suddenly a week is gone. What the hell is happening?! You try to appeal to your body for help but your usually helpful immune system is like, "Helllooo? I'm kind of busy here like, growing a human being? I can't help you and make this kick ass baby you requested." And the rest of your body is like, "Yeah...good luck with that."

So, yeah. Being sick when you're pregnant double sucks. But, amazingly, there are worse things.

Like, say you're sick and you're pregnant but this isn't your first pregnancy. Perhaps you were pregnant before with a fairly large baby who took his sweet ass time coming out. And by the time you finally managed to push his almost 9 pounds of cuteness OUT of your body, that wasn't the only thing suddenly hanging on the outside. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about here. Hemorrhoids. Awful, yes, but since that whole entire area was completely massacred at the time, you didn't think too much of it. I mean, hemorrhoids, stitches, swelling - it's all part of the "experience", right?

But then you ask that no-nonsense nurse on the night shift (the overweight one who thinks sugar coating is for wussies) how long until "that" goes away and she's all too quick to answer, "The hemorrhoids? Oh, honey, they never really go away." When she senses that you're about this close to a code blue or whatever, she backpedals slightly, "I mean they'll go away. But it won't take much for them to come back. Like you'll get 'em again if you have another baby. And don't you ever get constipated!" Then she replaces your ice pack (with a barely audible, "bless your heart") and goes off to fetch your dinner (a fiber-free plate of starch).

So when you get pregnant the second time around, you're understandably scared. When you escape the first-trimester constipation unscathed, you feel victorious. But you're 6 months of pregnancy and a delivery shy of celebrating. Switching to a primarily plant based diet seems like a great big step in the right direction (no chance of constipation in this household!) and as the half-way mark comes into focus, hemorrhoids are no longer even on the horizon of things to be concerned about.

But then it happens. You get a cold. And after just two days of coughing, sneezing and blowing your nose, it really happens. Hemorrhoids. Out of no where! As if it wasn't hard enough to get comfortable with the baby belly and the stuffy nose and the death rattle cough that takes over the room like an exorcism. And all you can think while perched pathetically on your side (besides, Is it too soon for an epidural?) is, Why didn't that damn nurse WARN me about catching a cold? Had she mentioned the catastrophic potential of a cough, there is no doubt you would have found a way to spend the entirety of the cold and flu season hermetically sealed safe inside a bubble.

So, there you have it. The hypothetical answer is clear: Being sick, pregnant AND having hemorrhoids is much worse than being sick and pregnant. Much, much worse.

5 comments:

Blabbermouse said...

Bless your heart. (Here's an ice pack.)

hollie said...

Ugh!! Just thinking of you today too.

Celina said...

Look into Monolaurin. :)

Cora White said...

ouch, an upside to getting cut open i guess

Anonymous said...

I really hope they don't run in the family. I honestly don't know what they look like or feel like, for that matter, and the picture I have in my head is straight from an Evil Dead movie or something. Gross. At least you're not as sick as Erick...