Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Facing my fears.

Last night, in the middle of the night, it happened. Twice. Thankfully, both times turned out to be a false alarm but I was unpleasantly surprised how instinctively I went into panic mode. As I lay there in the dark, sweat trickling down my face and neck, all I could think was, "This is it: we're all going to die."

What scared me most is how fast it was happening. It felt like we couldn't have more than a few minutes to get out of there. Maybe it was already too late? My head was spinning and I had no idea what to do first. Should I wake up Bill? Get our stuff together? Grab Liam and Grandma or let them keep sleeping? Even in the midst of panic I knew I could very well be blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Maybe I should wait a few minutes to see what was going to happen?

And then, just as suddenly as it started, it was over. With a whir and a hum, the power clicked back on and with it the lifesaving goodness of the air conditioning. And the fan! I've never been so thankful for a ceiling fan in all my life. It immediately cooled me down at least twenty degrees and made me want to shout from the rooftops, "Hallelujah! We're not going to die!!!"

I am so thankful I had the courage to survive such a harrowing ordeal. A weaker woman might not have made it. I have to credit a decision I made earlier in the day for buoying my confidence and giving me the strength to face my fears and come out the other side a better person. Who knew a bedazzled bikini top on clearance at Target could have such an impact?

Woah, Kelly Clarkson!

I'm sure you're like, Um, yeah, so why would a bikini top have such an impact? I mean, it's covered in tacky rhinestones and, no offense, but you're HUGE. What about this is supposed to be exciting? Well, I'll tell you. This is my VERY FIRST TWO PIECE SWIM SUIT. Ever! Okay, maybe that's not entirely true. I did buy a bikini once before but I never actually wore it out of the house. (I'm sure that comes as a shock - you're probably still suffering from the temporary blindness brought on by the extreme lily whiteness of a massive belly that has never once seen the light of day.)

Me, my sister & the other bikini (circa '96-ish)

Looking at that photo now I'm like, Why didn't I run around in a two piece all the time? I'm super skinny! But you know you never appreciate stuff like that until it's too late. Like not until after you have stretch marks and a permanent squishy spot from where you once grew a child inside your body. Only then can you really see how hot you once were.

But that's not why I took my big ass bikini shopping yesterday. I did it because a good friend of mine recently gave birth to a big beautiful baby boy and her birth story was so freaking inspiring I don't know if I want to kiss her or kick her (that line between awe and envy is mighty thin). It was quick and natural and just about as close to perfect as any girl could hope for. But my most favorite part was that she birthed her baby in a bikini! She was lucky enough to get one of the labor and delivery rooms with a tub and was in it just before she needed to push. So when her baby came out and the midwife plopped him on her chest, it was a fabulously bikini clad chest! What a way to welcome a new life into this world. Hellooo, dahling!

I may not get to orchestrate exactly how my delivery will go but I can certainly do my best to be prepared. I am with a great practice of midwives (yes, the same one my friend used - I'm no dummy) with a great doula, a great husband, and a great, no fabulous!, birthing bikini tucked in my suitcase just in case I get a room with a tub. I've done my research and Liam has quite literally paved the way for Finn's arrival. Now all I have to do is wait for my beautiful baby to be plopped on my fabulously bikini-clad chest! (I'm only slightly re-thinking the rhinestones...) Bring it on - I'm as ready as I'll ever be!


Anonymous said...

love the post...not quite sure why my bikini bod got pulled in...

I can't believe that you could really have your baby at any moment. I'll be there so soon! I can't wait.

By the way- you should totally wear a bikini- you look amazing!

No Mommy Brain said...

oh, anonymoose, it cracks me up every time i think about you innocently reading along and then suddenly being face to face with your 14 year old self in a bikini. on the internet! sorry i didn't think to run this by you first. it was such an old photo it never even crossed my mind. if we get caught posing like a couple of a-holes in our swimsuits (with props?!) when you're here next month, i promise to think twice before uploading the photo to my blog. although, if there was a picture of us hanging around the house in bikinis now, there would most definitely be a good story to go with it. might be worth sharing...

Anonymous said...

maybe we should just take bikini shots with props and see what happens? Who knows, in 30 years we'll be like, "Damn, we're hot!...why didn't we wear bikinis every day?"
But honestly, I just look really uncomfortable in the picture. I have come across so many "model shots" of myself during my scanning hobby and you can almost hear me saying, "Mag, I'm not a model...I take hard pictures and eat a lot of doritos" You on the other hand, have always looked great in photos. So-post away, but remember, my strength is not in modeling bikinis or anything else, but I'll do it ... oh boy how I will do it!